So here we are again.
It's been a while hasn't it folks?
A lot has happened in the last year and a half (ish), both in my life, and on/off the ice over in Ottawa, but I'll start with me first in this part 1. As per usual, I have to apologise for my absence, but I suppose I at least have several reasons for that now. Just to be clear- this is going to contain very little Sens content. This is also not intended to be a pity party. I don't write this for sympathy, but more to show you all what an absolute state my life has been in and the reasons for which I was not able to open up blogger until now.
***
TW: health, mental health, neurodivergency, gross mention of flesh???
In 2020 I started my master's degree down south at the University of Reading. My last post, in early 2021 was written in a time where I was busy, and struggling, but coping. However, I was also in the UK's third lockdown, and at that point, slowly started to lose the ol' marbles. My course began to get progressively more difficult and my mental health was worsening. At this time, following conversations with the University's disability advisory service and with friends, I started to look into the idea that I might have ADHD. I had a lot of the symptoms and it just made sense. My local GP was not supportive at the time, and despite him making a referral, I was not confident at all that it would get anywhere due to how dismissive he was. Not only was this going on, but for several months between Jan-May I had been suffering with constant skin infections on my legs that led to weeks upon weeks of being on antibiotics, which drained me completely. At one point the infections got so bad I had a literal hole in my thigh revealing flesh below. All my little remaining energy was spent trying to get through my course and my various part-time jobs I had taken up.
In May, lockdown restrictions were eased slightly and I was finally allowed to visit my long distance partner, Dan. It didn't help that I was diagnosed with MRSA the same bloody day I got on the train up north, but it was still the best visit (SERIOUSLY THOUGH WHO GETS MRSA WITHOUT EVEN VISITING A HOSPITAL). I decided during the visit that following the end of my taught modules I would move back to Leeds and finish my dissertation remotely. Dan had just been accepted onto a masters course at the University of Leeds, and following the pandemic it seemed right to move back to the city where I used to live, and where my friends and Dan would be. It was a big leap of faith, deciding to move in with someone I had been dating for 6 months at the time we signed our contract for the house, but I don't regret it one bit.
Upon re-registering with a GP in Leeds in July, I immediately re-enquired about a referral for an ADHD assessment. After spending days filling in forms, I sent them back to my new GP who called me to confirm he would be passing the referral on. Things started to make more sense- all the struggles I had had throughout my life, there might finally be an explanation. But it didn't mean things got any easier. As of mid-July, I had had to take up a full time job in order to pay my bills, but still had not finished my dissertation. I made the decision to apply for a long extension to my dissertation which would mean deferring my graduation until 2022. The job I started was incredibly stressful, managers quite unsupportive and the department short staffed due to budget cuts. I was under extreme pressure to perform so many duties that no one person should have to do, let alone a person with at the time undiagnosed ADHD. I ended up applying for another job following a week in September where I had to take a whole off work due to stress. My ADHD referral had been accepted by a private company who I was referred to via the NHS (meaning I did not have to pay), but my assessment was scheduled for August 2022- nearly a year later. I was offered the new job, but while going through the final pre-employment checks for it, continued to burn out so badly at the first job that I was signed off work by my GP for three weeks. November finally rolled around and I was able to start my new job, which was a breath of fresh air. The staff were supportive, we all had shared responsibilities, and I felt like I finally worked in a place that cared about my mental health and wellbeing. But the dissertation I still had to finish and crazy shite continued on, because of course it did.
At the beginning of 2022, probably around February, I was diagnosed with IBS. Which really sucks by the way. It's like your own guts suddenly turn against you at any given point just because they decide actually, onions aren't their thing anymore. Really gives a new meaning to flavour of the week. At this time I had also asked my university and GP to write expedite letters to the private psychiatry company to try to see if my ADHD assessment date could be brought forward. I had had weeks off sick in just a few months of full-time work and had been on/off diazepam and propranolol alongside my regular anti-depressants. The whole time I was at university I had taken countless extensions and was receiving counselling from their support services. I had even just had to apply for an extra month on my dissertation. Luckily this was enough proof I needed as I was placed on a cancellations list and was contacted with a new assessment date: the 20th March.
The date rolled around, and finally, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I had spent over 10 years feeling like something was wrong with me, different, and now here I was with validation. It explained so much and brought me some peace, but also brought about so much sadness for the things I missed out on. I wondered, and still wonder now, how different my life might have been had I been diagnosed earlier than aged 25. ADHD is commonly missed in people assigned female at birth as it presents so differently. I was one of thousands of people who just went under the radar because I was getting good grades and wasn't jumping on tables and throwing chairs about aged 5. I had even been told by the doctor back in Reading that if I wasn't bouncing off the walls as a kid, then I didn't have ADHD, which is just literally not true. At all.
( I want to take the time out here to encourage you all to read up on ADHD and how it is missed in people assigned female at birth. These articles are pretty helpful:
https://www.additudemag.com/add-in-women/ and
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190530-why-is-adhd-missed-in-girls )
Straight after my diagnosis I was actually due to go on holiday to Prague with Dan for his birthday. It was amazing trip in which I also got to visit one of my teenage best friends who now lived there. It was a much needed break from the overwhelming last few mont- well, ever. That is until the day after we got home and I realised I'd caught covid and then received an email from our lettings agency telling us we weren't allowed pets anymore if we wanted to renew our tenancy, essentially kicking us out because we have a cat (despite how in the first contract they literally removed the no pets clause for us following a specific agreement we made with the manager upon signing for the property).
So then we had to manage sorting a new place to live, while I was still trying to finish that bastard dissertation. We were able to sign for a small and relatively cheap flat that allowed us to bring our cat, I got to spend the Easter holidays with my family down south again (which did wonders for me) and I was able to submit my dissertation in May. I still wasn't medicated for my ADHD, but things were finally looking up a bit.
I received a 70 on my dissertation and for my masters degree was awarded an overall distinction (otherwise known as a first) for all my efforts and hard work. I'm not ashamed to admit I cried. But then again I cry all of the time, we love a good cry over here.
In June I went to two festivals including one over my birthday weekend, which gave me some stress relief and a way to celebrate getting over the last year and a bit. I got to see friends I hadn't seen in ages due to the pandemic, and see bands who's music has gotten me through the worst of times.
We moved into our new flat in July, which was admittedly a set back. Upon moving in it was unclean, so many things were broken or just old, there was even damp/mould on the bedroom wall. We've spent months reporting issues to the maintenance team, and living in a place that is fucked up is exhausting (especially for two people who find certain tasks exhausting due to their neurodivergent conditions). I could go on but if I do I'll just get too angry (as I write this we currently we do not have working heating heading towards winter in a flat that has no proper insulation, so that's stellar).
I started my ADHD medication finally, and a few weeks later in mid-July I returned to Reading for my graduation ceremony where I was able to celebrate with Dan and my mum, who had both been keeping me sane throughout some of the most batshit years of my life so far. Things calmed down slightly, and it felt like I'd got to the end part of the film where you get a cute 'where are the characters now' montage.
***
You know, I considered picking the blog back up sooner than now, but it seemed odd to do so in July/August. It was the off-season, mid-summer, and despite finally having the time, it didn't *feel* like the time.
That is, until today. It is the first day of the preseason and as I write, we are in the second of two split-squad games with the Leafs. Hockey is back again, and I couldn't be happier. Even just hearing Sens music on TSN, seeing my twitter feed come alive again, even if to complain. It feels like a spark has been lit back inside of me, I feel all warm inside just seeing my feed suddenly explode with "JIMOTHY" "TIMOTHY" "TIMMY" "TIM" "JIMMY STU" "STUUUUU" and several other variations.
While I tried to keep up with the Sens in the 2021/2022 season, it was so difficult for me at times. I didn't even stay up for the first periods of games like I used to, I never wrote on this damn thing, hell I even tweeted less. I started to lose track of players we had, new players, who was signed to what contracts. And while I was around for some memorable and weird moments (the biting of the hand incident), I also missed others by months (Gulk).
But that's over now. Sens hockey is back baby, I'm back, and everything is going to be great and we are going to make the playoffs with Norris and Giroux and Stutzle and DeBrincat and Chucky as our captain CAPTAIN BY THE WAY and it's going to be sick and ffs the Leafs just scored again and I have to hear Hall & Oates again I'm going to scream I'm going to fucking scream
(To be continued, with actual Sens content next time)
Comments
Post a Comment